It has been an up and down kind of weekend. Not working at the catering company has been nice, but considering the weather and my mood I feel as though working may have been more beneficial.
Friday afternoon I lost a good friend. Not to death, but to matter of opinion. I have always been the type of person that lays my thoughts and feelings out on the table. I do not like to sugar coat things and therefore I gave my opinion about a on-going volatile 'relationship' that a good friend was in. Needless to say she was not too happy and has decided not to speak to me anymore. I understand. I simply could not hurt because she was hurt anymore. So her bad 'relationship' was turning our friendship sour and I could have faked it and told her it would all be ok, that after 5 years this person would miraculously change and they would be happy or I could tell her what I did which was: I can't hurt watching you hurt anymore. You repeatedly put yourself in that situation and then wonder why you are not happy. I am sorry and wish her the best.
Friday's Brewers game was very fun. Amazing seats and great company, even with TWPITW there. We talked about some things and have now come to a mutual ground. I do not think he is a person I could ever trust again, nor is he a person that thinks of anyone other than himself, but at least our friends don't have to walk on hot coals if we end up being in a room together! It was both nice and damaging to see him. A lot of mixed feelings there. One word with that whole situation: Frustration. I wish Houston could have been in attendance, but through recent conversations I see that he just wants nothing to do with me anymore either. I understand that too. Between Houston and my bad 'relationship' friend, I often think about that saying, the one where it is said that God puts people in your life when you need them most, but then takes them away when they are no longer needed. I just wish the hurt over it all could come and go as easily too!
Saturday morning was great. Got to get some sleep and then it was time for the spa with my two older sisters. I had a body wrap done. It was all right, but nothing like the one I had when I was in Jamaica. But my facial was wonderful! I wish I had just added on more time to my facial. Next time ;) We also got to do a little shopping. I got an adorable dress for work and summer at a great great price! Woo hoo! Then it was on to my nephew's 5th birthday party. And that is where things took a little bit of a turn for me.
There are things in life that are so confusing and contradictory. For me, it is my family. While I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters, my parents, my neices and nephews... I am also saddened at how little I measure up. To watch my family be with their new families is very hard. Again, it is simple jealousy almost over wanting something so badly and having it out of my reach. It is moments like that that I am so overwhelmed with a million different feelings. Feelings of joy that I am a part of this, feelings of saddness that I have come alone and will go home alone, feelings of wanting to stay and be there, but also feelings of needing to leave and just start a life separate from all this. The older I get the harder these get togethers become. I hate it.
So I broke my candy rule. I am weak and when I got home I just HAD to have that comfort of 3 dark mini peanut butter cups. Yum. But I am going to try to get back on track again.
I was supposed to go out last night, but just did not have the energy neither mentally nor physically. So instead I bailed on L and I went to bed at 9 pm. Woke up quite a few times. Once was to a text from Time Warner!! It was about one something in the morning and it simply stated: "I'm sure you're sleeping but I hope everything is going well for you". Umm.. really?! Let's translate this "Are you still up? Are you mad at me because I was wondering if you maybe want to help me out with something...". The last time I saw Time Warner (I believe I blogged about?) but he convinced me to see him and told me he wanted to see if things would work but it was all a lie. Why not just leave a girl alone if you know she wants something so different than you want. My response "thanks, you too". No need to keep that conversation going. *sigh* Unreal.
So today it my contemplative day. I hate Sundays with a passion. I have a few things I need to take care of: laundry, clean the bathroom, do some grocery shopping, maybe get a small workout in, thinking of taking an afternoon to myself and going to see a movie. A friend of mine that I have not seen in a while may be stopping over. She works this afternoon and then was going to stop over later, but I am unsure if that is still the plan. I am also still deciding if I should stay in my current apartment and make the move out of state that I have been talking about so much over the last few years. It is a very hard decision to make. I want to stay, but do not find that I have anything worth staying for, so maybe I should go and try a new adventure.
Decisions, decisions.
So that was my weekend, nothing great. In one word I would sum it up with: Emotional.
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