So after the Originial Four laid the ground work and started to set up the traps of expectations, or lack there of, and disappointments I continued full steam ahead into the Dating World (a.k.a. Hell).
This is where the fun begins. These are not in any particular order, but more so just as they come back to mind, here are some stories about dates that I think we can ALL appreciate and thorougly enjoy.
Cokehead: Cokehead was by far the worst date I had ever been on (up to that point). I met Cokehead through a good friend of mine at a house party. I did not talk to him much that evening, but later on that night, after he got ahold of my cellphone and oh-so-slyly added his name, cell phone number AND e-mail address to my contacts list and then set it back down, I received a text saying "Odd. I like you". Like I should feel so special, right? Well, Cokehead was not my type, but he asked me out a few times so I finally thought "Why not. What harm could be done. As my mother would so often say- You never know...". So away I went. We met at a beer garden where we enjoyed ... beer... but also some appetizers. I often look back on this date and think that perhaps Cokehead should have eaten more because as the afternoon progressed he got a little too bold. From the get go things were off to a bad start. What I should have done, instead of sticking out the few hours of the date that I did, was turn and run as fast as I could out those iron cast gates before the dragon opened his mouth and spewed his fiery breath all over me in a feeble attempt to char my tough skin.
The first words out of Cokehead's mouth before I even had the pleasure of 'sitting down for it' was "I can already tell you aren't that interested in me". Woah. Well that set the tone right there, didn't it? But did I grab my keys and head for the door? No, I put on my pretty smile and said "Would you mind if I atleast sit down first?" Very quickly I found that I did not feel like I was on a date, but felt more like I was on an interview. When I said "I like to cook", he said "Good, I need someone to cook for me". When I said "I like to run and workout", he said "Good, I need someone to motivate me to get in shape". Round and round we went. When he asked my age and I did not ask his for the simple fact that I knew an approximation and that was good enough for me at this point in time (and I simply just did not care), he got offended and told me that it was "obvious I did not want to know anything about him since I talked about myself so much". Umm... sorry Cokehead, but it is called Q&A. We ask each other questions and the other one answers. I cannot help that you are hyped up on your 4th beer and wanting to know way more about me than I want to know about you (i.e. Winner! You were correct! I am not that interested in you, your bike, your money or the fact that we are both dating other people at this exact moment). We had walked around for a bit after the ever so amusing Talks with Cokehead in Beer Garden (he insisted on holding my hand during this little private soiree and I did oblige considering the fact that I didn't want him to fall in the water and I would have to ruin my hair by jumping in after his drunk ass). Apparently, holding hands=I will agree to follow that action up with a kiss. Standing by a fountain, Cokehead leans in for the prize and is ... DENIED. He seemed stunned. How could I resist him?? So wouldn't you know... he comes flying in with his second attempt in case I had a lapse of judgement perhaps? DENIED. One more stop at a bar to laugh it off while I secretly compile my story to tell my friends and it was time to get the hell out of Dodge. So how did the date end? With a bang of course! A bang that should have been my fist meeting his face, but was instead my car door closing loudly so that I could finally take a deep breath.
Oh and you are probably wondering why I refer to this one as Cokehead. Well, about a month or so later I heard a rumor that this particular date had a bit of a drug addiction and may have been under the influence at the time. I would like to say that that explains a lot, but future discussions proved that my date was not just a possible Cokehead, but was a definite Douchebag at the least.
So after Cokehead came some randoms (some good, some bad, some not worth mentioning):
There was U.S. Mmmarine. There are no words to describe how gorgeous and amazing this U.S. Marine man of mystery was. The best I can come up with is YUM. He was a head turner for sure. My first thought when seeing this Cuban god across the bar was that he was no doubt taken. Which is why I was prepared for the let down when I went to offer to buy him his third drink after he guzzled down his second while standing around alone. Was he waiting for someone? Perhaps his blonde goddess of love? Well, damn, I figured I better get in there and show him that the brunette Hera could be just as good as the blonde Aprhodite. Hera was married to Zeus after all... So there I went and floated next to my Cuban god. I offered to buy him a drink in which he pleasantly denied, so I figured... ok... he has already had two drinks down in 5 minutes, so perhaps a shot? Again, I was sweetly denied. As I turned to leave just happy with the whole 30 seconds of Cuban bliss I hear 'Wait. Can I buy you a drink?" Sold! to the Golden god of Goodness. Our dating did not last long, but he sure knew how to treat a lady. He took me to the best places around. He asked to see me every day. His voice was soft, his kisses were shy, and his attention was undying. Dream come true. Sure he was a few years my junior, but who-in-the-sam-hell-cared?! Not I! So what happened?? He was going away to graduate school in Illinois and did not think a long-distance thing would work; not to mention communications was his passion and most likely would not keep him grounded in the good ol' U.S. of A. Can I blame him? If no longer in the same zip code? He was much to honest to apply that 'rule'. I cannot say I blame him for wanting to spread that beauty around the world. So away he went to be someone else's god of goodness.
After a few more miscellaneous and not-worth-mentioning dates came Star Wars: Star Wars was easily Worst Date Ever No. 2. Star Wars seemed like a pretty good thing. He liked a post I made on a friend's facebook page and from there we hit it off. Caveat: he did not live in WI, but was within driving range... if you did not mind 7 hours of driving. But I had nothing else going on and you never know. So we kept up our chatting. Turns out not long after communcation started, Star Wars was planning on coming in to town! Yeah! Now we get to meet in person. This is going to be great! What could go wrong?! Not even God could sink this ship.... Well, I did not need God to sink the ship, Star Wars did fine all by himself. As those of you who know me well know I have one particular, unfailing trait. What is it? BEING LATE. Always. If I am on-time...then that must mean I am dead and it is my funeral. Now to play fair I gave Star Wars the warning before he came to pick me up at my apartment. Yes, I said pick me up... never again. Lesson learned number 3: Always, always, always drive yourself to the first date because when the going gets rough, the rough gets going (repeatedly) to the restroom to take a breather as it is the only escape. So Star Wars shows up early and as if on cue I am running around still trying to get ready. But I got this covered. I am always prepared at least! I am a cool chick. I hook him up with a cold beer, a comfy couch and The Hangover playing on my 32" inch screen (ooooh.... aaaahhhh... shut up!). So I continue getting ready with a few chatty cathy breaks to make sure my date is all good and to let him know that I have not forgotten about him. So once I am ready we open the sail and off we go.
Now, another side note, for those of you who know me best, my second trait is what? That's right. SOCIAL. I like to people watch and talk to randoms. I like crowds. Especially on an awkward first date. But Star Wars does not like crowds so guess who won? Not this girl (Strike One). I oblige... I can have fun anywhere...ooooor so I thought. I learned a few things on this date that I did not know prior. 1. We really did not have the same sense of humor AT ALL. 2. Apparently I am a high class snob because he pointed out twice that I ordered the more expensive vodka (Ketel One vs Absolut) and 3. This guy is into Star Wars. Like REALLY into Star Wars... like has Star Wars bed sheets into Star Wars.
I tried my damnest to make this guy laugh, but the only thing he found funny was the giant blow-up soda bottle at some baseball field that he stopped me mid-sentence to point out. The game was certainly winning this man's attention over as he interrupted me numerous times to cheer it on or point something out. Now to be fair to him he HAD warned me about his love for baseball, but umm.. "Hi. I am T and we are on a DATE" (Strike Two). Finally, I should have known when I apologized for being late (to which he pointed out that if he was who he 'was' a year ago he would have swiftly walked out my apartment door with not so much as a good-bye because how DARE someone keep HIM waiting (ok he did not say those words exactly but the message was loud and clear)) that he did not quite see what took me so long to get ready. Dude... you just failed. I could get past the fact that you have a freakishly large obsession for Star Wars, I could get past the fact that you stared at that damn television screen more than my 'what took me so long to do' hair, but when you do not agree that it/I was worth the extra wait... three strikes you are OUT! This ship was ready to set sail... as soon as he kindly dropped me off.
Stay tuned because Adventures in Dating Hell is to be continued. . .
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