Adventures in Dating Hell Continued

Now where was I... ?

Oh yes, Star Wars...

Well after Star Wars there was just a mush of people.

There was The Model:  This was a man with a history of modelling and quite proud of that he was.  He drove a car where the doors did not open out, but UP.  You heard it correctly, I said up.  He used to insist on opening my doors for me.  Such an old school gentlemanly thing to do I would always think.  That was until I was talking away one afternoon and opened the car door for myself and crrraaaaacccckkkk....  Gasp! .... Slam!  That was how I remember it going down.  I looked to my left and saw a face that I was SURE was going to turn red and steam would shoot out of his ears, words of furry would fly out of his mouth, and a hand would come flying at my face at any moment.  "Did you hear that??!" he inquired through gritted teeth.  "Yes..." was my meek reply.  That's right.  I had opened the door OUT like most cars and I had put a bit of a dent in his door.  Oops.  I apologized repeatedly, but hey... when you are used to opening your own damn door and then you get in an f'ed up car with an f'ed up door...  Shit happens right?!  I offered to pay for any damages, but it never came to that thankfully.  I still feel bad about that.  He was pissed, but he composed himself very well.  I guess you could say I really know how to do a 'bang up job' of impressing a man.  My bad. 

Regardless, I knew it was not going to work out after that, but there were other signs too.  The fact that he was more dramatic than a woman... ok then me... was a huge buzz kill.  It was constant bickering and too much work always trying to make him happy.  One morning I was in a good mood and laughing profusely at a comic strip.  Sure it was a little dumb, but that should not have mattered.  I found it funny and was in a glorious state of mind.  The Model just could not get at all what was so darn funny about this comic.  "T... it is not that funny. . ." So out of spite I cut that comic out of the Sunday paper and put it right up on the fridge so I could laugh at it every time I saw it.  Besides him always thinking I laughed at the dumbest things (like the comedian we saw that was not all that great, but he had a few good one liners or the controversial comic strip), he could not handle if I kept him waiting (even when it was not my fault that the service was extremely sllllooooowww at the dinner I was attending), he got mad if plans suddenly changed, and the kicker for me... his pink leather furniture.  He said it was mauve, but it was clearly dark pink.  Something you would see at a beach home in Florida not a condo in Bumblefu@k, Wisconsin.

I found it best to close this portfolio and consider other options.

Somewhere further down this time line was Picture Dick: Yup, sounds just like it was.  It was someone I had randomly met and seemed so nice and funny, but conversation quickly turned to harmless flirting (or so I thought), but while at work one day I looked down to a message from PD and found the full-blown naked picture with a very special something in his hand.  I am pretty sure that if someone had been looking at me while I viewed this unsuspecting image my face would have looked like I just walked in from the beach after 5 straight unprotected hours in the sun.  DELETE.

There was also Mr. Way Inappropriate:  Whom when I told him that he just was not my type and things were never going to work out for us responded nonchalantly "But we haven't even had sex yet".  Huh... silly me.  Well let's get to it!  But first I just have to run to the store for cigarettes.  Be back in 5.  Seems I forgot to mention that I do not smoke and 5 minutes in MWI terms equals NEVER. 

And I think I will end this story time with what Bob and Brian on 102.9 would call The Worst Person in the World:  This was a man that I thought had it all. He had the house, the job, the body, the smile, the car, the humor, the charm, and even the adorable pre-made family with an ex that seemed to mind her own business.  I could do this.  The situation was a little different than I had intended, but hey, I have been ready for a family for a looong time and this certainly did not mean I could not still have some of my own bearing.  He came to me.  He asked me out, I said No.  Why?  Because I had soooo had it with men at this point.  But the more I got to know him the more he rubbed off on me so naturally I gave in and said yes.  Seemed like the best decision I had made in a long time.  I finally found someone I wanted to introduce to my family.  We took things slow, we did not overdo seeing each other, we enjoyed spending quiet, low key time together, etc.  Well in comes Learned lesson number 4: Never judge a book by its cover.  I would like to think that I had no part in how badly this man pulled one over on me; but when I look back I see all the signs that I just did not want to see at that point in time even though nagging suspicions were eating at me.  Don't get me wrong.  He was good at keeping this all as though I was paranoid and he was just being honest and doing all these great things and being a good father and I just simply needed to 'calm down'.  Blah blah blah.  Was he a good father?  Yes, I believed he was a GREAT father.  Did he use his children to his advantage?  HELL YES.  "Look at me.  See how straight and narrow and honest and sweet I am?!"  Yup.  I fell for it all.  Hook, line and sinker. 

So what happened.  You want the juicy stuff right?!  This happened:  Lies.  All lies.  Very little of what he said so straight faced to me were true.  When he said he was over the young girl studying abroad that he had met two weeks prior to meeting me... LIE.  Turns out that after he shoved me out the door at the end of the night so he could get his must have nine hours of sleep; he was telling the girl abroad (who had a very committed boyfriend mind you) that he loves... LOVES her!  WTF?!  All the while he was telling me what a "lying cheating bitch that doesn't deserve another minute of his time" she was.  Also turns out that his ex that wanted him back oh-so-bad that she was willing to buy him a brand new Lexus (per WPINTW's mouth) still went on VACATIONS with him even though he claimed he would rather go gay than go back with her.  There was also him saying how much he loved kids and could not wait to have more, but then a week later saying he was not ready to 'settle down and be serious with someone yet'.  This was a man....BOY... who used to get seriously offended and mad when I would say I thought he was lying.  Funny how when a person is guilty they get so mad... it is such a classic sign.  I knew deep down things were not right and would even say so to him personally but never pushed it because everything was still fairly new and I did not want to rock the boat of such a "good" thing.  He used to backpedal on his words constantly, but I just did not want to believe it.  I had thought that someone with children who seemed to have it all together would be honest and know what they wanted in life, especially when they say how much they could not wait for you to meet them!  Lesson learned number 5: (That's right WPINTW taught me two lessons) Actions certainly do speak louder than words.

Luckily karma has a way of bringing things full circle.  The other girl and I had quite an extensive discussion and found out all that had been going on without our knowledge.  What she has/will do with this information is completely up to her now; but what I did was take this situation as a major eye opener and used it to humor my still-following readers. 

He threw this fish back into the sea and I could not be happier for the freedom he gave me back versus the prison pan he would have thrown me in to watch me fry with his smug smile of gluttonous hunger.

Yes, that situation burned me damn good, but I am happy to have made it out alive and whole!

And thus ends my previous Adventures in Dating Hell (sadly, that was merely touching the surface of the numerous dates I have been on since the end of 2008, but the book has yet to be concluded... so stay tuned!)