Why.

So I wanted to write this yesterday, but just could not bring myself to do it.

I found out that someone I had dated last summer. . . U.S. Mmmarine as you may now all know him...someone who I cared for, who was one of the most beautiful men (no lie... ask anyone) and sweetest men I had come to know since getting my divorce, took his own life on Christmas day.

Six months ago.  I never knew.  I did not know because he only knew my friends, I never knew his.  I remember asking him why once and he responded 'because my friends are immature'.  Everyone's friends are immature... wouldn't you say??  But, regardless, we did not date that long enough that it ever became an issue.  He met quite a few of mine and had always gotten the thumbs up.  But he was right.  His friends are immature.  I got a front row seat to that yesterday.  But before I get to that story... a little bit on what I am thinking because I need to just let it out.

It saddens me that this beautiful man took his life.  Even though it was a very short dating cycle... we had really gotten to know and fall for each other.  But he was going away to school and was not ready for anything more serious.  He wanted to travel to do journalism.  He knew he would never be a home body... not in the beginning anyways.  He said when things calmed down and he missed me too much he would contact me.  Did I believe him?  No.  Maybe a little.  He wrote me things and said things that I knew he wasn't a liar.  But eventually we cut ties, per his request.  He wasn't a 'player' despite his good looks.  On our first three dates together... he forgot a credit card each time.  Told me made him too nervous!  The thing was, we had three dates right in a row so he was without his credit card for the fourth.  It was adorable.  He wanted to see me every day.  He called me constantly.  So on and so forth.  I can say nothing more about Marine than how differently he treated me than anyone else.  And how attracted we were to each other.  There is so much depth in this whole thing that words, not even my clever words, could do this short affair justice.

So I met someone new over the weekend and this someone new was part of Marine's platoon.  Once a little more discussion was made and the connection was found I let New Boy know why I was suddenly so affected by this extremely shocking news.  To which he reacted like this:

He told me numerous times that no one knew who I was (i.e. I didn't exist and therefore was making up some glamorous life with Marine) and that if I HAD meant anything to Marine I would have been introduced to people.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  OBVIOUSLY there was a lot of things that Marine did not feel the need to share. . .   New Boy also told me that too many people have come forth during and after the funeral claiming to know Marine.  To which my response is "Who really f-ing cares?!".  He only needs to have met someone for two hours if it was the case for him to have an effect on someone.  You don't need to know someone for 5 years, as New Boy did, to know that you like them and to be disturbed by something they do.  So to New Boy, I was just some random jumping on the band wagon.  I mean, this whole thing went on and on.  New Boy was pretty much taking it upon himself to 'weed' people out of Marine's list of acquaintances.  I guess he felt that no one has the right to say they knew him or meant anything to him unless his family and friends knew who that person was.  To which I, obviously, disagree.  Regardless, I have known this man for less than 24 hours and we are already bitching it out over the phone.  I did not want to talk about it, but he felt the need to basically tell me he "wasn't trying to be mean" but that I was pretty much a nobody because no one on MARINE'S side had ever heard of me.  Whatever.  I do not care to be honest.  I know what was said and how things were and I sure as hell don't have to prove my value of worth.  Which I did anyways.  I sent the first message I received from Marine stating that he was falling in love with me and he did not know how to handle it.  I know... it sounds corny, but it was heartfelt and honest.  He said he was used to being alone and life is easiest alone.  Truly tragic.  But I believed it.  And why I did is too personal to share, but I know that Marine had a good and sensitive heart.  And he was scared.  So needless to say, as those who know me can agree, while I did not back down by admitting defeat I just said we had differing opinions and it wasn't worth discussing anymore.  To which New Boy promptly told me that I was "acting like a 17 year old.  You Cunt".  And he hung up.  He sent me a few texts.  I deleted them.  We have not spoken since.

I know how to pick them.  Wait.  I did not pick him.  He picked me.  Regardless... this is all I ever get.  I cry over someone's death and I get called a cunt.  WTF is wrong with the world these days.  Instead of wanting to know me, New Boy wanted to call me names and tell me I was a nobody.   Fine.  It doesn't really matter anyways.

As for Marine... I give him nothing but respect.  Whether he was a player or not.  Whether he was a liar or not.  He still gets my respect because he was amazing to and around me.  I cannot imagine what he was thinking when he did what he did.  Wait... I can.  I wish he would have talked to me more instead of shutting me out, because he did not think he was 'man enough' for me, because no one could have understood that pain and mindset more than me (well, as far as I know.  There may have been plenty of such people around him like myself, but I would have been one he could have told).  They say that those who take their life hit a numbness and a strange calm, a pure dead end where every ounce of hope is gone.  I have come close, but have somehow always found the strength to reach out and grasp on to something... anything... to keep me going.  But Marine didn't. 

So what New Boy didn't understand, nor did he want to even try, was that it wasn't JUST about losing someone wonderful (seeing as there are so few as example number 1001 (aka New Boy) just proved), but it was also about knowing that pain and being so so low on life and yourself.  People have been upset.  People cry.  People lose hope, but unless you have truly been to the point of almost no return, you cannot really understand what someone like that went through.  You cannot truly grasp on to the feelings someone has at that point.  It is scary, but more so it is almost peaceful.  To know that the end is now in sight.  To see a world where there is no pain anymore, just sweet, sweet relief.  It affects me greatly......

I was told that I should write a letter to Marine's family by a good friend who had the pleasure of meeting Marine a few times.  I was hesitant, but then was convinced that it would be a great idea, but I have since changed my mind.  I met his parents once.  He told me I was the only girl he had ever introduced them to.  I have to admit... they did seem shocked and dumb-founded but very pleasant.  New Boy said they don't remember me (oh  yes... he checked into I guess).  That's fine.  I don't want to go digging up the dead and bringing up sad memories so it is best I let it go.  They met me once and it was very brief so naturally they would not remember my name, but I bet if they saw my face they would recognize me.  At least a hint of someone Marine felt the need to introduce them to.

I am angry that God took Marine away.  Instead of just letting me have him and us maybe helping each other out, God took him away.  Am I worth so little, Lord?  Is there just no one meant for me?  I know many will say that Marine took himself away.  This is a discussion I care not to have, but God knew it was coming.  That is all I know.  God knew it the day Marine was born.  Why?

My love goes out to you Marine.  I wish, as so many do, that I/we could have helped you find that last bit of hope the way someone or even something has for me when I needed it.  May God rest your soul and give you the peace you so desperately wanted to find.

Love ~T