I have never been one for 'self-help' books, but over the past 3 years (I can't believe it...) since officially separating from my now ex-husband I have found some books that have really gotten me through some tough times. These were all books that I had randomly chosen after about two hours of standing, sad and confused and desperate, in the aisles of Barnes & Nobles. When I was going through my separation and then legalizing my divorce, I really lost my sense of self and God. I did not... could not understand what I had done so wrong in my life to deserve this. I thought we did everything right... yet here we were... part of the 50% getting a divorce. We took it hard. Damn hard. We wanted to fix it so much, but it was broken. It had been broken for a long time and while we tried to glue back the chipped pieces of our love and life together it always cracked again and bigger than the last time. So in tears I stood in the Religious section praying for a book... anything really... to help me understand why I was going through this. The book I ended up choosing was Angry Conversations with God by Susan Isaacs. I needed something uplifting and not too serious. And this was the perfect book. I, too, was (and often times still am...) angry with God. The title said it all. It was about a woman, whom had a great sense of humor but was scarred from life regardless, who took God to couple's counseling. She demanded to know why He was doing the things He 'did' to her. It really put things into perspective of what the therapists (in some way playing God) said back to her. It helped me to understand that sometimes amazing things can come from really bad situations. Unfortunately, when I read the book, well over 2 years now, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am... still struggling and wondering why I just haven't come to a 'better' place yet. Guess it is time to bust out that book again.
About a month ago I was having another one of those days. Those 'why ME?!?!' days. So as I walked through B&N with my high heels off, because I had been running errands all evening after work and couldn't take the pain anymore, I found a book calling my name in the 'relationship' aisle.
Today I just finished that book called The Science of Single by Rachel Machacek. I want to meet this woman. Seriously. I am sure there are many, many single women (and men) that feel the way Rachel did when writing this book, but for me... it was uncanny. It's like I was telling my life as it is right now to this woman as she jotted it down. The way she thought, the way she wrote, the way she reacted and even a large majority of her experiences were me! Are me! I could not believe I found this gem. Rachel put into words a lot of the things I feel and think but push back down before vomiting it all up in words because of shame, fear and worry. I dog-eared some of the pages with things that just hit so close to home and now I would like to share some of it because it really helps me understand how I am feeling even though it may be so obvious for others. And if not, maybe this will help you get a deeper sense of me and what I am feeling.
So my favorite (and oh-so-FITTING) quotes (and there were a lot trust me... I just picked out a select few) were:
p. 110 "It's become quite clear that I am not attracted to men who have any sort of potential for a relationship. I've found something wrong with all of the men who are interested in me and live within 5 miles. However, get me near someone who isn't interested, is vaguely interested, or is interested but who lives in another state, and I'll voluntarily rip my heart out of my chest and set it on the ground to be stomped on".
p. 135 "I have a fleeting moment of clarity when I see that I'm terrified of getting involved with someone who disappoints me or leaves me empty and alone. I'm terrified of rejection, so I set my expectations so high that they can never be met, and I dig around with a magnifying glass looking for flaws in every person I date. There's always a flaw to exploit, and I'll find it so I never have to get too close".
p. 137 "To thwart any possible sex, I'd gone in prepared. This meant I actually planned for a night of sex, because everyone knows that shaved legs and lacy underwear guarantee no hookup. However, my theory is if I go in with full-coverage cotton underwear that comes in three-packs and with a five-day growth on my legs, it's altogether possible I could end up dancing around a pole".
p. 170 "Changing geography doesn't change anything, because you are still the same person with the same problems and same neuroses".
p. 226 "I don't care what anyone says about how age is just a number. It's also a marker of where you are in your life and what you've learned from past experiences, which make up who you are".
p. 229 "And if I'm so cool, why doesn't he want to date me?"
p. 243 "Of course, if I did meet someone, I would be writing that it was the most amazing thing in the world and I'd turn into one of those people who pats the hands of singletons and says, "It'll happen for you one day".
p. 11 "And as bitter as I can be at times, I firmly believe that if it's meant to work out, it will".
Happy Hump Day Everyone.
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