Hello Fellow Followers;
I would like to ask that those following please publicly show yourselves. I am curious as to who you all are :P
Nothing too exciting to report lately, just some more random craziness, as is the life of T.
Here's something:
Now, granted, this was not intentional. One, I had not planned on going on a date (or two or three), but I got talked into it. Two, I had no idea these two men.... (ahem) children... knew each other until one dropped the bomb.
So where did I meet these two lovely pieces of work? A dating site that I have actually cancelled, but was still receiving messages on (no longer... I made sure that sh*t is closed down!). But anyways, as luck would have it, I started getting messages from these two possible prospects awhile back. Now considering I am just trying to put a halt on dating because I am tired and exhausted, I still couldn't help but find these two men still somewhat interesting and mildly attractive. Well, being bored and all I decided to go ahead and continue chatting. We talked off and on for awhile with it being nothing too serious. Eventually, one talked me into a date. We went out, had a very nice time (at this point I was told the connection between these two guys I had been simultaneously talking to... AWK-WARD), but whatever, I agreed to a second date. After the second date Jackass #1 forgot to take his chill pill and let his absolute true colors shine. Those true colors? Downright verbal abuse and some major anger issues. Yup, time to walk away from that one. Remember the guy that was in the same platoon as U.S. Mmmarine? Yeah, this was him. Yes, the one that called me a cunt. But come on, I chalked it up to him just still being really sensitive to that whole situation and he had been nice and sweet after that. He EVEN apologized (so rare for a man... especially one I just met!) Ok, fine, I am a sucker for second chances too. Well, turns out this guy was just an ass in general. Now I know.
So, after some more chatting and discussion, Decent-guy-soon-to-be-Jackass #2 takes me on a date. Great time. I got to meet the family and all (it was his bro's b-day party at a bar... he had to make an appearance.. yada yada yada). His brother and sis-in-law loved me. And I quote from his brother's mouth to me, "I know this may be a little overwhelming, but we already consider you part of the family" and his mom, oh yeah-I had her good, as I recalled being told by DGSTBJ#2 she told him the next day "I don't care what you have to do, but don't let this one go". Yup, awesome. Well anyways, I have this thing. It seems that I date in levels. Level One is Two Weeks. If a guy can make it two weeks with me, it's amazing. I don't hide this fact either. I lay it out there. Maybe I am trying to scare them off? Maybe I am putting up the challenge? Maybe I just don't care enough to play games so I let them know my strategy. I don't know, but this is how I roll. So anyways, DGSTBJ#2 swore up and down that on day 14 I would owe him big because he made it that far. I will be honest, I really thought this guy had P-O-T-E-ntial. I kind of thought he was going to make it too! But as my luck would have it, Jackass #1 hadn't quite gotten over me or the fact that he made me choose between continuing to see him or giving it a go with his roommate. Well, obviously I told his rude ass to take a walk. Well only about... oh... maybe 7 days into knowing each other DGSTBJ#2 turned into Jackass #2. He wouldn't answer a call or a text and once he finally DID pick up the phone he yelled at me and hung up. Really? God. How OLD are you that you can't have a FULL conversation as an adult without hanging up the phone like a pre-pubescent 13 year old?! So I don't hear from Jackass #2 at all. No calls, no texts, no explanations. So finally I give in and ask what the hell the deal is?
His response "I caught you in some pretty big lies". Oh... did you now? Care to share? Well, he does and not by phone mind you. Instead we have to send FACEBOOK messages like a bunch of little high schoolers who can't deal with shit face to face nor will he pick up his freaking phone! So APPARENTLY, Jackass #1 decided to make up some lies and tell Jackass #2 that I got a little frisky after our first and second dates. Puh-lease. He WISHES I had touched him. Nope. Never happened, but do you think Jackass #2 could accuse me to my face or at LEAST by phone? Nope. Coward. I don't know what kind of boys the military is claiming are 'Marines', but these two need to have their asses shipped out again so they can come back with their balls reattached.
Needless to say, both have been pinned up on my 'Sorry, I Don't Date Dickheads' list.
Lesson learned. Dating site=Bar in another form.
Nah, nah, nah, nah life goooooes on.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
My Perfect Man
This is a question I get all too often. Whether it be my mother asking me what I am looking for or my sister to see if I am being quick in choosing; whether it be my friends who are concerned that I am being too picky; or whether it be a man himself wondering why it is not him...
Do you really want to know? All right I will give this a shot:
Tumultuous T's Perfect Man:
There are NINE things that TTPM must have: No ifs, ands or buts about it.
1. A sense of humor. Not sarcastic and dry, but upbeat and witty
2. A want for a family. Loves his current family and wants to start one of his own
3. Faith. In GOD-not just 'spiritual'
4. A job. A good job, which means he makes a well enough income to support himself at least
5. A well proportioned face. Let's be honest here shall we? If I am going to look at this face, at this body, at this whole package of a man for the next umpteen years-I better like what I am seeing because if I don't want to touch... then I certainly don't want to buy
6. Balls-literally and figuratively. Transvestites need not apply. And if he doesn't have the balls to hash things out with others, ESPECIALLY me, then he needs to keep walking because if I meet another man that childishly hangs up the phone on me... I swear when I see him next his balls will be MINE
7. Honesty. No one likes a liar. If he lies... I WILL catch catch him and there WILL BE major hell to pay. So he be honest and upfront with me so we can work through it ASAP!
8. LOYALTY. If he wants to cheat, if he thinks about wanting to cheat, if settling down is not his 'thing', if he loves women and just doesn't feel the need to be with just ONE then he needs to do me a favor: lose my number
9. Can satisfy me in the bedroom. Now obviously I won't know this one right away, but once we get to that point in our relationship, because he had everything else to get him this far, if he can't do this then we will be over. Fast
Now, other things TTPM would preferably have:
1. Tall; as in 6 foot or above is ideal, but 5'10-5'11 is a possible. Any smaller and I often feel I wouldn't be able to wear my heels. And we all know-T loooooves her heels
2. College education. Hey, I worked damn hard for mine and I made it through so I would like to see someone who has made that same type of COMMITMENT
3. No kids. Now, we all know TWPITW had children and that was very acceptable to me. But on a whole, I prefer no kids and no exes that will forever be around due to said kids
4. In shape. Now this can go a lot of ways. Six packs are not needed nor are flat bellies even (because man would *I* be a hypocrite!). As long as the weight is proportioned well on the body and the weight is fairly steady then we are good to go. He has to be able to keep up with me on most activities because I am an active girl
5. Clean. Both personal hygiene and personal space. Doesn't need to shave every day, but must be well groomed and ALWAYS smelling good. Now while cutting the lawn or working out... that is something else, but in general... clean teeth and body are a must. As for personal space, I don't like clutter and to have crap all over the place (to me) means he can't organize his room, let alone his life. So let's try and keep the amount of dirty socks on the floor and dirty dishes on the counter to a minimum, shall we?
6. Loves affection. Doesn't mind PDA. Wants to kiss me in the morning and again when he comes home because he hasn't seen me all day. But won't get all bent out of shape because someone may have seen me pinch his butt while waiting in line at the Ferris wheel during State Fair
And Bonus Points goes to the man that can:
1. Cook. A man that can bake chicken or grill a steak is great, but if you can also steam veggies and make homemade potatoes, you are in major business
2. Can work on my car and fix the leaky sink faucet. I grew up with handy men and would like one to call my own
3. Has a large pallette for food and drink. I hate sensoring what I cook. So if he eats sushi, likes spinach, is open to trying new, weird recipes and will enjoy a beer or, especially, a glass of wine. He just found the yellow brick road to my heart
So there you have it.
And on that note: I have not found this man yet (obviously) and maybe I never will. I have dated many that have come close and many that have not. In all my dating I have decided that if the man does not fit ALL my must have criteria, then I am no longer wasting my time (or his) and 'sampling' in hopes that it will change.
And to those hooking me up and saying you found the right guy for me: let's see pictures and get all the info AHEAD of time, ok? It is doing NO ONE any good otherwise.
Dating will be put on hold until this man has been found. Until then, I am exhausted from trying to mold and shape what I want to fit the men that come so close because in then end... one or both are left disappointed and unhappy.
Call me a bitch. Everyone else does. However, I prefer "an educated woman who knows what she wants".
Thank you.
Do you really want to know? All right I will give this a shot:
Tumultuous T's Perfect Man:
There are NINE things that TTPM must have: No ifs, ands or buts about it.
1. A sense of humor. Not sarcastic and dry, but upbeat and witty
2. A want for a family. Loves his current family and wants to start one of his own
3. Faith. In GOD-not just 'spiritual'
4. A job. A good job, which means he makes a well enough income to support himself at least
5. A well proportioned face. Let's be honest here shall we? If I am going to look at this face, at this body, at this whole package of a man for the next umpteen years-I better like what I am seeing because if I don't want to touch... then I certainly don't want to buy
6. Balls-literally and figuratively. Transvestites need not apply. And if he doesn't have the balls to hash things out with others, ESPECIALLY me, then he needs to keep walking because if I meet another man that childishly hangs up the phone on me... I swear when I see him next his balls will be MINE
7. Honesty. No one likes a liar. If he lies... I WILL catch catch him and there WILL BE major hell to pay. So he be honest and upfront with me so we can work through it ASAP!
8. LOYALTY. If he wants to cheat, if he thinks about wanting to cheat, if settling down is not his 'thing', if he loves women and just doesn't feel the need to be with just ONE then he needs to do me a favor: lose my number
9. Can satisfy me in the bedroom. Now obviously I won't know this one right away, but once we get to that point in our relationship, because he had everything else to get him this far, if he can't do this then we will be over. Fast
Now, other things TTPM would preferably have:
1. Tall; as in 6 foot or above is ideal, but 5'10-5'11 is a possible. Any smaller and I often feel I wouldn't be able to wear my heels. And we all know-T loooooves her heels
2. College education. Hey, I worked damn hard for mine and I made it through so I would like to see someone who has made that same type of COMMITMENT
3. No kids. Now, we all know TWPITW had children and that was very acceptable to me. But on a whole, I prefer no kids and no exes that will forever be around due to said kids
4. In shape. Now this can go a lot of ways. Six packs are not needed nor are flat bellies even (because man would *I* be a hypocrite!). As long as the weight is proportioned well on the body and the weight is fairly steady then we are good to go. He has to be able to keep up with me on most activities because I am an active girl
5. Clean. Both personal hygiene and personal space. Doesn't need to shave every day, but must be well groomed and ALWAYS smelling good. Now while cutting the lawn or working out... that is something else, but in general... clean teeth and body are a must. As for personal space, I don't like clutter and to have crap all over the place (to me) means he can't organize his room, let alone his life. So let's try and keep the amount of dirty socks on the floor and dirty dishes on the counter to a minimum, shall we?
6. Loves affection. Doesn't mind PDA. Wants to kiss me in the morning and again when he comes home because he hasn't seen me all day. But won't get all bent out of shape because someone may have seen me pinch his butt while waiting in line at the Ferris wheel during State Fair
And Bonus Points goes to the man that can:
1. Cook. A man that can bake chicken or grill a steak is great, but if you can also steam veggies and make homemade potatoes, you are in major business
2. Can work on my car and fix the leaky sink faucet. I grew up with handy men and would like one to call my own
3. Has a large pallette for food and drink. I hate sensoring what I cook. So if he eats sushi, likes spinach, is open to trying new, weird recipes and will enjoy a beer or, especially, a glass of wine. He just found the yellow brick road to my heart
So there you have it.
And on that note: I have not found this man yet (obviously) and maybe I never will. I have dated many that have come close and many that have not. In all my dating I have decided that if the man does not fit ALL my must have criteria, then I am no longer wasting my time (or his) and 'sampling' in hopes that it will change.
And to those hooking me up and saying you found the right guy for me: let's see pictures and get all the info AHEAD of time, ok? It is doing NO ONE any good otherwise.
Dating will be put on hold until this man has been found. Until then, I am exhausted from trying to mold and shape what I want to fit the men that come so close because in then end... one or both are left disappointed and unhappy.
Call me a bitch. Everyone else does. However, I prefer "an educated woman who knows what she wants".
Thank you.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
One Year Down
So today marks my 1 year anniversary at the medical clinic downtown. It has been a trip. I am constantly thankful for this job because it has been what I have needed it to be throughout my last year of craziness. Will I be here another year? Well, one never really knows now do they?
When I think back on the year since I quit my job of 9 years to come here, I simply cannot believe all that has taken place!
Let's recap shall we? You may find some shockers.
In one year's time I have:
So that's the biggest stuff that I can randomly think of off the top of my head. You can just imagine what all the little stuff adds up to! I truly am an open book. Everyone has shit in their lives. I am no different... just willing to air mine out because what have I got to lose besides people really knowing who I am, what I have been through, what I have 'accomplished', and just how far I have come.
What has YOUR last year been like? Amazing. Isn't it?
When I think back on the year since I quit my job of 9 years to come here, I simply cannot believe all that has taken place!
Let's recap shall we? You may find some shockers.
In one year's time I have:
- Quit my management job that I had held for the past nine years to pursue a new career
- Started 2 new jobs (of which I am currently still working for)
- Moved 3 times
- Started school
- Quit school
- Broken up with the love of my life and moved out (after 3 months of living together)
- Lived with a roommate for the first time in my life (my friend/coworker of 10 years)
- Hit my big 3-0
- Gone on more dates than I really care to count
- Been cheated on once
- Been hand-cuffed and put into a squad car
- Had someone I knew and really cared for commit suicide
- Drained my hard-earned savings account
- Been held against my will at a mental facility
- Taken a decrease in pay
- Been to the ER... 3 times
- Had my third ear surgery
- Met some new great friends
- Lost some old great friends
- Gotten my nose pierced
- Removed nose piercing after contracting severe cold one month later
- Been put on two new medications
- One month later contracted a severe cold and had to remove new nose piercing
- Been taken off one medication
- Gained weight
- Lost weight (but not enough to outweigh the gain)
- Gone to Florida
- Gone to Boston
- Gone to New York
- Committed to seeing a therapist regularly
- Joined a rowing club
- Given up my 3.5 year gym membership that has gotten me through SO MUCH because of my lack of finances
- Cried every night for 1.75 months straight
- Been called names I have never been called in my life, such as "thick", "cunt", "flabby", and "redneck"
- Come to the very hard realization that there is no such thing as a marriage ending well
- Joined a dating website
- Cancelled (immediately) a dating website
- Joined a different dating website
- Cancelled one month later after joining dating website
- Read a lot of books
- Been so drunk that I puked for 2 days straight and seriously thought I was going to die if I didn't go to the hospital to have my stomach pumped and some liquid replenishment
- Gotten into a lot of verbal fights
- Gotten a tattoo
- Chipped a tooth for the first time ever
- Told two people I hated them... and meant it
- Found out I am going to be an aunt again (after the assumption that all siblings were done having children)
- Been sent to collections for the first time ever
- Had laser treatment for hair removal
- Been called "amazing", "beautiful", "smart", and "caring"... and in the same breath told "just not good enough"
- Had the return of old physical illnesses come back
- Found that I have some major trust issues that appear to be permanent
- Come to the realization that while I may never fall in love with another man (nor find a man who will love me back) or get married again... I have some amazing friends and family who DO love me for who I am and what I have been through and continue to support me regardless of my misgivings and challenges and downright bitter-ass attitude
So that's the biggest stuff that I can randomly think of off the top of my head. You can just imagine what all the little stuff adds up to! I truly am an open book. Everyone has shit in their lives. I am no different... just willing to air mine out because what have I got to lose besides people really knowing who I am, what I have been through, what I have 'accomplished', and just how far I have come.
What has YOUR last year been like? Amazing. Isn't it?
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Purpose Driven Life
I have never read this lame excuse of a book, but I did buy it. I bought it about 3 years ago to aid in my 'I am no longer a wife so what am I?' episode. I got through about 3 quotes in that damn book before I closed it and decided it was all a bunch of crap. I have yet to bother reopening it.
I don't know how long a person can live without a purpose in their life. For me... it's going on 3 years. Prior to that, I lived for my husband. I lived to make him happy in hopes that one day he would return the favor and we could do the things that would make me happy too. What things you ask? Things like having a family. Traveling (even if it was just somewhere new over night). Or what about actual, genuine, no need to study time together. I walked every day for years. I asked for him to go with me all the time... but it never happened, until the end, when it just didn't matter anymore. I wanted to do triathlons, kayaking, etc., you name it, but there was never any time. So we get a divorce and what does he do... picks up cooking and biking. Ugh. REALLY?!
I haven't had a purpose in my life since the day I got married and waited, desperately, to start a family. Eventually, I kind of realized the family thing wasn't going to happen... at least anytime soon. And getting up for work and deciding what to make for dinner just wasn't cutting my purpose in life anymore.
So here I am. Still without a purpose and I don't know what to do about it. Sure, I could wait around and hope that my Mr. Best for Me guy comes strolling around, but would I know him if I met him anyways? Probably not. I would just expect him to be the lying, cheating, rude bastard that all the others are. So I would just screw it all up anyways.
So I ask you... what is the purpose of my life and just how long, exactly, will I have to wait to find out?! No answer?? Me either.
I don't know how long a person can live without a purpose in their life. For me... it's going on 3 years. Prior to that, I lived for my husband. I lived to make him happy in hopes that one day he would return the favor and we could do the things that would make me happy too. What things you ask? Things like having a family. Traveling (even if it was just somewhere new over night). Or what about actual, genuine, no need to study time together. I walked every day for years. I asked for him to go with me all the time... but it never happened, until the end, when it just didn't matter anymore. I wanted to do triathlons, kayaking, etc., you name it, but there was never any time. So we get a divorce and what does he do... picks up cooking and biking. Ugh. REALLY?!
I haven't had a purpose in my life since the day I got married and waited, desperately, to start a family. Eventually, I kind of realized the family thing wasn't going to happen... at least anytime soon. And getting up for work and deciding what to make for dinner just wasn't cutting my purpose in life anymore.
So here I am. Still without a purpose and I don't know what to do about it. Sure, I could wait around and hope that my Mr. Best for Me guy comes strolling around, but would I know him if I met him anyways? Probably not. I would just expect him to be the lying, cheating, rude bastard that all the others are. So I would just screw it all up anyways.
So I ask you... what is the purpose of my life and just how long, exactly, will I have to wait to find out?! No answer?? Me either.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Why.
So I wanted to write this yesterday, but just could not bring myself to do it.
I found out that someone I had dated last summer. . . U.S. Mmmarine as you may now all know him...someone who I cared for, who was one of the most beautiful men (no lie... ask anyone) and sweetest men I had come to know since getting my divorce, took his own life on Christmas day.
Six months ago. I never knew. I did not know because he only knew my friends, I never knew his. I remember asking him why once and he responded 'because my friends are immature'. Everyone's friends are immature... wouldn't you say?? But, regardless, we did not date that long enough that it ever became an issue. He met quite a few of mine and had always gotten the thumbs up. But he was right. His friends are immature. I got a front row seat to that yesterday. But before I get to that story... a little bit on what I am thinking because I need to just let it out.
It saddens me that this beautiful man took his life. Even though it was a very short dating cycle... we had really gotten to know and fall for each other. But he was going away to school and was not ready for anything more serious. He wanted to travel to do journalism. He knew he would never be a home body... not in the beginning anyways. He said when things calmed down and he missed me too much he would contact me. Did I believe him? No. Maybe a little. He wrote me things and said things that I knew he wasn't a liar. But eventually we cut ties, per his request. He wasn't a 'player' despite his good looks. On our first three dates together... he forgot a credit card each time. Told me made him too nervous! The thing was, we had three dates right in a row so he was without his credit card for the fourth. It was adorable. He wanted to see me every day. He called me constantly. So on and so forth. I can say nothing more about Marine than how differently he treated me than anyone else. And how attracted we were to each other. There is so much depth in this whole thing that words, not even my clever words, could do this short affair justice.
So I met someone new over the weekend and this someone new was part of Marine's platoon. Once a little more discussion was made and the connection was found I let New Boy know why I was suddenly so affected by this extremely shocking news. To which he reacted like this:
He told me numerous times that no one knew who I was (i.e. I didn't exist and therefore was making up some glamorous life with Marine) and that if I HAD meant anything to Marine I would have been introduced to people. Maybe. Maybe not. OBVIOUSLY there was a lot of things that Marine did not feel the need to share. . . New Boy also told me that too many people have come forth during and after the funeral claiming to know Marine. To which my response is "Who really f-ing cares?!". He only needs to have met someone for two hours if it was the case for him to have an effect on someone. You don't need to know someone for 5 years, as New Boy did, to know that you like them and to be disturbed by something they do. So to New Boy, I was just some random jumping on the band wagon. I mean, this whole thing went on and on. New Boy was pretty much taking it upon himself to 'weed' people out of Marine's list of acquaintances. I guess he felt that no one has the right to say they knew him or meant anything to him unless his family and friends knew who that person was. To which I, obviously, disagree. Regardless, I have known this man for less than 24 hours and we are already bitching it out over the phone. I did not want to talk about it, but he felt the need to basically tell me he "wasn't trying to be mean" but that I was pretty much a nobody because no one on MARINE'S side had ever heard of me. Whatever. I do not care to be honest. I know what was said and how things were and I sure as hell don't have to prove my value of worth. Which I did anyways. I sent the first message I received from Marine stating that he was falling in love with me and he did not know how to handle it. I know... it sounds corny, but it was heartfelt and honest. He said he was used to being alone and life is easiest alone. Truly tragic. But I believed it. And why I did is too personal to share, but I know that Marine had a good and sensitive heart. And he was scared. So needless to say, as those who know me can agree, while I did not back down by admitting defeat I just said we had differing opinions and it wasn't worth discussing anymore. To which New Boy promptly told me that I was "acting like a 17 year old. You Cunt". And he hung up. He sent me a few texts. I deleted them. We have not spoken since.
I know how to pick them. Wait. I did not pick him. He picked me. Regardless... this is all I ever get. I cry over someone's death and I get called a cunt. WTF is wrong with the world these days. Instead of wanting to know me, New Boy wanted to call me names and tell me I was a nobody. Fine. It doesn't really matter anyways.
As for Marine... I give him nothing but respect. Whether he was a player or not. Whether he was a liar or not. He still gets my respect because he was amazing to and around me. I cannot imagine what he was thinking when he did what he did. Wait... I can. I wish he would have talked to me more instead of shutting me out, because he did not think he was 'man enough' for me, because no one could have understood that pain and mindset more than me (well, as far as I know. There may have been plenty of such people around him like myself, but I would have been one he could have told). They say that those who take their life hit a numbness and a strange calm, a pure dead end where every ounce of hope is gone. I have come close, but have somehow always found the strength to reach out and grasp on to something... anything... to keep me going. But Marine didn't.
So what New Boy didn't understand, nor did he want to even try, was that it wasn't JUST about losing someone wonderful (seeing as there are so few as example number 1001 (aka New Boy) just proved), but it was also about knowing that pain and being so so low on life and yourself. People have been upset. People cry. People lose hope, but unless you have truly been to the point of almost no return, you cannot really understand what someone like that went through. You cannot truly grasp on to the feelings someone has at that point. It is scary, but more so it is almost peaceful. To know that the end is now in sight. To see a world where there is no pain anymore, just sweet, sweet relief. It affects me greatly......
I was told that I should write a letter to Marine's family by a good friend who had the pleasure of meeting Marine a few times. I was hesitant, but then was convinced that it would be a great idea, but I have since changed my mind. I met his parents once. He told me I was the only girl he had ever introduced them to. I have to admit... they did seem shocked and dumb-founded but very pleasant. New Boy said they don't remember me (oh yes... he checked into I guess). That's fine. I don't want to go digging up the dead and bringing up sad memories so it is best I let it go. They met me once and it was very brief so naturally they would not remember my name, but I bet if they saw my face they would recognize me. At least a hint of someone Marine felt the need to introduce them to.
I am angry that God took Marine away. Instead of just letting me have him and us maybe helping each other out, God took him away. Am I worth so little, Lord? Is there just no one meant for me? I know many will say that Marine took himself away. This is a discussion I care not to have, but God knew it was coming. That is all I know. God knew it the day Marine was born. Why?
My love goes out to you Marine. I wish, as so many do, that I/we could have helped you find that last bit of hope the way someone or even something has for me when I needed it. May God rest your soul and give you the peace you so desperately wanted to find.
Love ~T
I found out that someone I had dated last summer. . . U.S. Mmmarine as you may now all know him...someone who I cared for, who was one of the most beautiful men (no lie... ask anyone) and sweetest men I had come to know since getting my divorce, took his own life on Christmas day.
Six months ago. I never knew. I did not know because he only knew my friends, I never knew his. I remember asking him why once and he responded 'because my friends are immature'. Everyone's friends are immature... wouldn't you say?? But, regardless, we did not date that long enough that it ever became an issue. He met quite a few of mine and had always gotten the thumbs up. But he was right. His friends are immature. I got a front row seat to that yesterday. But before I get to that story... a little bit on what I am thinking because I need to just let it out.
It saddens me that this beautiful man took his life. Even though it was a very short dating cycle... we had really gotten to know and fall for each other. But he was going away to school and was not ready for anything more serious. He wanted to travel to do journalism. He knew he would never be a home body... not in the beginning anyways. He said when things calmed down and he missed me too much he would contact me. Did I believe him? No. Maybe a little. He wrote me things and said things that I knew he wasn't a liar. But eventually we cut ties, per his request. He wasn't a 'player' despite his good looks. On our first three dates together... he forgot a credit card each time. Told me made him too nervous! The thing was, we had three dates right in a row so he was without his credit card for the fourth. It was adorable. He wanted to see me every day. He called me constantly. So on and so forth. I can say nothing more about Marine than how differently he treated me than anyone else. And how attracted we were to each other. There is so much depth in this whole thing that words, not even my clever words, could do this short affair justice.
So I met someone new over the weekend and this someone new was part of Marine's platoon. Once a little more discussion was made and the connection was found I let New Boy know why I was suddenly so affected by this extremely shocking news. To which he reacted like this:
He told me numerous times that no one knew who I was (i.e. I didn't exist and therefore was making up some glamorous life with Marine) and that if I HAD meant anything to Marine I would have been introduced to people. Maybe. Maybe not. OBVIOUSLY there was a lot of things that Marine did not feel the need to share. . . New Boy also told me that too many people have come forth during and after the funeral claiming to know Marine. To which my response is "Who really f-ing cares?!". He only needs to have met someone for two hours if it was the case for him to have an effect on someone. You don't need to know someone for 5 years, as New Boy did, to know that you like them and to be disturbed by something they do. So to New Boy, I was just some random jumping on the band wagon. I mean, this whole thing went on and on. New Boy was pretty much taking it upon himself to 'weed' people out of Marine's list of acquaintances. I guess he felt that no one has the right to say they knew him or meant anything to him unless his family and friends knew who that person was. To which I, obviously, disagree. Regardless, I have known this man for less than 24 hours and we are already bitching it out over the phone. I did not want to talk about it, but he felt the need to basically tell me he "wasn't trying to be mean" but that I was pretty much a nobody because no one on MARINE'S side had ever heard of me. Whatever. I do not care to be honest. I know what was said and how things were and I sure as hell don't have to prove my value of worth. Which I did anyways. I sent the first message I received from Marine stating that he was falling in love with me and he did not know how to handle it. I know... it sounds corny, but it was heartfelt and honest. He said he was used to being alone and life is easiest alone. Truly tragic. But I believed it. And why I did is too personal to share, but I know that Marine had a good and sensitive heart. And he was scared. So needless to say, as those who know me can agree, while I did not back down by admitting defeat I just said we had differing opinions and it wasn't worth discussing anymore. To which New Boy promptly told me that I was "acting like a 17 year old. You Cunt". And he hung up. He sent me a few texts. I deleted them. We have not spoken since.
I know how to pick them. Wait. I did not pick him. He picked me. Regardless... this is all I ever get. I cry over someone's death and I get called a cunt. WTF is wrong with the world these days. Instead of wanting to know me, New Boy wanted to call me names and tell me I was a nobody. Fine. It doesn't really matter anyways.
As for Marine... I give him nothing but respect. Whether he was a player or not. Whether he was a liar or not. He still gets my respect because he was amazing to and around me. I cannot imagine what he was thinking when he did what he did. Wait... I can. I wish he would have talked to me more instead of shutting me out, because he did not think he was 'man enough' for me, because no one could have understood that pain and mindset more than me (well, as far as I know. There may have been plenty of such people around him like myself, but I would have been one he could have told). They say that those who take their life hit a numbness and a strange calm, a pure dead end where every ounce of hope is gone. I have come close, but have somehow always found the strength to reach out and grasp on to something... anything... to keep me going. But Marine didn't.
So what New Boy didn't understand, nor did he want to even try, was that it wasn't JUST about losing someone wonderful (seeing as there are so few as example number 1001 (aka New Boy) just proved), but it was also about knowing that pain and being so so low on life and yourself. People have been upset. People cry. People lose hope, but unless you have truly been to the point of almost no return, you cannot really understand what someone like that went through. You cannot truly grasp on to the feelings someone has at that point. It is scary, but more so it is almost peaceful. To know that the end is now in sight. To see a world where there is no pain anymore, just sweet, sweet relief. It affects me greatly......
I was told that I should write a letter to Marine's family by a good friend who had the pleasure of meeting Marine a few times. I was hesitant, but then was convinced that it would be a great idea, but I have since changed my mind. I met his parents once. He told me I was the only girl he had ever introduced them to. I have to admit... they did seem shocked and dumb-founded but very pleasant. New Boy said they don't remember me (oh yes... he checked into I guess). That's fine. I don't want to go digging up the dead and bringing up sad memories so it is best I let it go. They met me once and it was very brief so naturally they would not remember my name, but I bet if they saw my face they would recognize me. At least a hint of someone Marine felt the need to introduce them to.
I am angry that God took Marine away. Instead of just letting me have him and us maybe helping each other out, God took him away. Am I worth so little, Lord? Is there just no one meant for me? I know many will say that Marine took himself away. This is a discussion I care not to have, but God knew it was coming. That is all I know. God knew it the day Marine was born. Why?
My love goes out to you Marine. I wish, as so many do, that I/we could have helped you find that last bit of hope the way someone or even something has for me when I needed it. May God rest your soul and give you the peace you so desperately wanted to find.
Love ~T
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Rednecks like Cheesecurds. Or so one man thinks.
So I had a very interesting thing happen to me late last night.
Remember my post about the ground zero museum that Lawyer and I visited in NYC? Well, the site that I bought my tickets from asked me to RATE my experience. So, naturally, I did.
I stated that I was very unhappy. That it was not quite what I had expected and that I was shocked at the rating it received on the 'must sees' of NYC. I stated that I felt my money would have been better spent elsewhere. Honestly, I got more out of just walking around the actual site of ground zero than I did watching yet another horrific video about 9/11 with some cheesy background music being played.
So, apparently, due to my dissatisfaction, this website, naturally, sent my review to the museum. The museum's response was... quite appalling. Extremely immature and demeaning and that just makes me wonder about the kind of show such people are running.
In this e-mail I was called numerous names. I was told I am a horrible person, that I have no heart, that I am arrogant and dumb and probably do not read nor do I probably know how to. I was told that my 'money' was worthless and dirty. I was called out as being an evil person who has to be extremely unhappy with her life. I was called greedy and money hungry for stating that I just did not think this 'museum' was worth the $54.00 charge. I was asked what I thought a 'museum' was. He also said he was surprised that I could find a man that would bother to be around me and how unfortunate that man was. I could go on. You get the point. I mean, this was quite a long letter that the CHIEF of the Fire Department rudely wrote me. He said my tainted money was not welcomed so I was to receive a refund, which was processed immediately following the e-mailed response.
In about three sentences I thanked this horribly immature and disrespectful chief for my refund and told him good luck with his 'museum' and pretty much left it at that. He then proceeded to immediately e-mail me back to make sure he told me that it was his pleasure because he did not want the money from a redneck in Wisconsin and that I should enjoy my cheesecurds. What if I had been a black woman?! Would he have hurled racial slurs at me too?!
Wow. Really? A few things to say here. I thought this whole museum was about respect and respect of those that suffered horribly through 9/11, but here this adult man is calling some woman names because she simply just did not like this 'museum'. It wasn't about the content or the event in which this was all based, it was simply that money was spent, money I work HARD for, on being buzzed into some warehouse type building covered in graffiti on the outside, taken up 3 floors where I was greeted in a small hallway and then taken into a room where I was asked not to keep my purse and other belongings on me, but to set them on some random shelf where anyone could have just walked off with them, and then stand, because there were not enough chairs, to watch a video about 9/11. I did not want to watch a video. I wanted to look at the things on the wall. To see the artifacts found at the site, etc. If I wanted to watch a video, I would buy one on Amazon, to which I did state in my rating review. His response was this: That places like CNN, etc, rated this as one of the best LITTLE museums out there regarding 9/11 (I am going to guess this is the only one but anyways...) and that they had footage that no one else has. That's fine. Good for CNN. Just because CNN liked it doesn't mean I have to. I am an AMERICAN, ever hear of FREEDOM OF SPEECH? If you don't want a true review, then don't ask for one! Not everyone will be a fan. I am sure I am not the first, but was the only one willing to admit she did not care for it. And as for the unpublished footage, that is fine and dandy too, but you see... I do not need to see this tragic day in history from 20 different camera angles. The facts and the horror remain the same. Perhaps make the video the last part of the museum so that those who do not wish to watch it don't have to, but can view the unique artifacts first.
Well I simply stated professionally that I am allowed to my opinion and that if he did not want reviews/ratings on his museum then they should not be requested. I told him not to contact me any longer or use my personal e-mail address and that I had him blocked. So what does he do? Proceeds to harass me by using another e-mail address!!
I promptly blocked it, deleted it, and left it be as that.
Wow. I may not be the best with criticism, but this guy really went balls to the walls. All he had to say was he was sorry I did not enjoy it and in his eyes it was not very patriotic of me. Did he really need to call me a redneck? I think not. I bet he hates George Bush too and calls him a redneck on a regular basis. What happened to standing by your countrymen?
What a shame. Glad to have my money back. I care not to support assholes like that.
As for the website that all this took place through... they will be hearing from me as well and the need to ask if the person rating the activity would like to remain anonymous or not. I did not ask for a refund, I simply stated my disappointment. This crazy man now knows my first and last name (in which he felt the need to use an extensive amount of times in his threatening e-mails stating that he would come to WI to see how well MY make-shift museum was going to be), my address, my credit card number and my e-mail address. Great.
Remember my post about the ground zero museum that Lawyer and I visited in NYC? Well, the site that I bought my tickets from asked me to RATE my experience. So, naturally, I did.
I stated that I was very unhappy. That it was not quite what I had expected and that I was shocked at the rating it received on the 'must sees' of NYC. I stated that I felt my money would have been better spent elsewhere. Honestly, I got more out of just walking around the actual site of ground zero than I did watching yet another horrific video about 9/11 with some cheesy background music being played.
So, apparently, due to my dissatisfaction, this website, naturally, sent my review to the museum. The museum's response was... quite appalling. Extremely immature and demeaning and that just makes me wonder about the kind of show such people are running.
In this e-mail I was called numerous names. I was told I am a horrible person, that I have no heart, that I am arrogant and dumb and probably do not read nor do I probably know how to. I was told that my 'money' was worthless and dirty. I was called out as being an evil person who has to be extremely unhappy with her life. I was called greedy and money hungry for stating that I just did not think this 'museum' was worth the $54.00 charge. I was asked what I thought a 'museum' was. He also said he was surprised that I could find a man that would bother to be around me and how unfortunate that man was. I could go on. You get the point. I mean, this was quite a long letter that the CHIEF of the Fire Department rudely wrote me. He said my tainted money was not welcomed so I was to receive a refund, which was processed immediately following the e-mailed response.
In about three sentences I thanked this horribly immature and disrespectful chief for my refund and told him good luck with his 'museum' and pretty much left it at that. He then proceeded to immediately e-mail me back to make sure he told me that it was his pleasure because he did not want the money from a redneck in Wisconsin and that I should enjoy my cheesecurds. What if I had been a black woman?! Would he have hurled racial slurs at me too?!
Wow. Really? A few things to say here. I thought this whole museum was about respect and respect of those that suffered horribly through 9/11, but here this adult man is calling some woman names because she simply just did not like this 'museum'. It wasn't about the content or the event in which this was all based, it was simply that money was spent, money I work HARD for, on being buzzed into some warehouse type building covered in graffiti on the outside, taken up 3 floors where I was greeted in a small hallway and then taken into a room where I was asked not to keep my purse and other belongings on me, but to set them on some random shelf where anyone could have just walked off with them, and then stand, because there were not enough chairs, to watch a video about 9/11. I did not want to watch a video. I wanted to look at the things on the wall. To see the artifacts found at the site, etc. If I wanted to watch a video, I would buy one on Amazon, to which I did state in my rating review. His response was this: That places like CNN, etc, rated this as one of the best LITTLE museums out there regarding 9/11 (I am going to guess this is the only one but anyways...) and that they had footage that no one else has. That's fine. Good for CNN. Just because CNN liked it doesn't mean I have to. I am an AMERICAN, ever hear of FREEDOM OF SPEECH? If you don't want a true review, then don't ask for one! Not everyone will be a fan. I am sure I am not the first, but was the only one willing to admit she did not care for it. And as for the unpublished footage, that is fine and dandy too, but you see... I do not need to see this tragic day in history from 20 different camera angles. The facts and the horror remain the same. Perhaps make the video the last part of the museum so that those who do not wish to watch it don't have to, but can view the unique artifacts first.
Well I simply stated professionally that I am allowed to my opinion and that if he did not want reviews/ratings on his museum then they should not be requested. I told him not to contact me any longer or use my personal e-mail address and that I had him blocked. So what does he do? Proceeds to harass me by using another e-mail address!!
I promptly blocked it, deleted it, and left it be as that.
Wow. I may not be the best with criticism, but this guy really went balls to the walls. All he had to say was he was sorry I did not enjoy it and in his eyes it was not very patriotic of me. Did he really need to call me a redneck? I think not. I bet he hates George Bush too and calls him a redneck on a regular basis. What happened to standing by your countrymen?
What a shame. Glad to have my money back. I care not to support assholes like that.
As for the website that all this took place through... they will be hearing from me as well and the need to ask if the person rating the activity would like to remain anonymous or not. I did not ask for a refund, I simply stated my disappointment. This crazy man now knows my first and last name (in which he felt the need to use an extensive amount of times in his threatening e-mails stating that he would come to WI to see how well MY make-shift museum was going to be), my address, my credit card number and my e-mail address. Great.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"How to Get the Life You Deserve" available in the "Get Real" section
I have never been one for 'self-help' books, but over the past 3 years (I can't believe it...) since officially separating from my now ex-husband I have found some books that have really gotten me through some tough times. These were all books that I had randomly chosen after about two hours of standing, sad and confused and desperate, in the aisles of Barnes & Nobles. When I was going through my separation and then legalizing my divorce, I really lost my sense of self and God. I did not... could not understand what I had done so wrong in my life to deserve this. I thought we did everything right... yet here we were... part of the 50% getting a divorce. We took it hard. Damn hard. We wanted to fix it so much, but it was broken. It had been broken for a long time and while we tried to glue back the chipped pieces of our love and life together it always cracked again and bigger than the last time. So in tears I stood in the Religious section praying for a book... anything really... to help me understand why I was going through this. The book I ended up choosing was Angry Conversations with God by Susan Isaacs. I needed something uplifting and not too serious. And this was the perfect book. I, too, was (and often times still am...) angry with God. The title said it all. It was about a woman, whom had a great sense of humor but was scarred from life regardless, who took God to couple's counseling. She demanded to know why He was doing the things He 'did' to her. It really put things into perspective of what the therapists (in some way playing God) said back to her. It helped me to understand that sometimes amazing things can come from really bad situations. Unfortunately, when I read the book, well over 2 years now, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am... still struggling and wondering why I just haven't come to a 'better' place yet. Guess it is time to bust out that book again.
About a month ago I was having another one of those days. Those 'why ME?!?!' days. So as I walked through B&N with my high heels off, because I had been running errands all evening after work and couldn't take the pain anymore, I found a book calling my name in the 'relationship' aisle.
Today I just finished that book called The Science of Single by Rachel Machacek. I want to meet this woman. Seriously. I am sure there are many, many single women (and men) that feel the way Rachel did when writing this book, but for me... it was uncanny. It's like I was telling my life as it is right now to this woman as she jotted it down. The way she thought, the way she wrote, the way she reacted and even a large majority of her experiences were me! Are me! I could not believe I found this gem. Rachel put into words a lot of the things I feel and think but push back down before vomiting it all up in words because of shame, fear and worry. I dog-eared some of the pages with things that just hit so close to home and now I would like to share some of it because it really helps me understand how I am feeling even though it may be so obvious for others. And if not, maybe this will help you get a deeper sense of me and what I am feeling.
So my favorite (and oh-so-FITTING) quotes (and there were a lot trust me... I just picked out a select few) were:
p. 110 "It's become quite clear that I am not attracted to men who have any sort of potential for a relationship. I've found something wrong with all of the men who are interested in me and live within 5 miles. However, get me near someone who isn't interested, is vaguely interested, or is interested but who lives in another state, and I'll voluntarily rip my heart out of my chest and set it on the ground to be stomped on".
p. 135 "I have a fleeting moment of clarity when I see that I'm terrified of getting involved with someone who disappoints me or leaves me empty and alone. I'm terrified of rejection, so I set my expectations so high that they can never be met, and I dig around with a magnifying glass looking for flaws in every person I date. There's always a flaw to exploit, and I'll find it so I never have to get too close".
p. 137 "To thwart any possible sex, I'd gone in prepared. This meant I actually planned for a night of sex, because everyone knows that shaved legs and lacy underwear guarantee no hookup. However, my theory is if I go in with full-coverage cotton underwear that comes in three-packs and with a five-day growth on my legs, it's altogether possible I could end up dancing around a pole".
p. 170 "Changing geography doesn't change anything, because you are still the same person with the same problems and same neuroses".
p. 226 "I don't care what anyone says about how age is just a number. It's also a marker of where you are in your life and what you've learned from past experiences, which make up who you are".
p. 229 "And if I'm so cool, why doesn't he want to date me?"
p. 243 "Of course, if I did meet someone, I would be writing that it was the most amazing thing in the world and I'd turn into one of those people who pats the hands of singletons and says, "It'll happen for you one day".
p. 11 "And as bitter as I can be at times, I firmly believe that if it's meant to work out, it will".
Happy Hump Day Everyone.
About a month ago I was having another one of those days. Those 'why ME?!?!' days. So as I walked through B&N with my high heels off, because I had been running errands all evening after work and couldn't take the pain anymore, I found a book calling my name in the 'relationship' aisle.
Today I just finished that book called The Science of Single by Rachel Machacek. I want to meet this woman. Seriously. I am sure there are many, many single women (and men) that feel the way Rachel did when writing this book, but for me... it was uncanny. It's like I was telling my life as it is right now to this woman as she jotted it down. The way she thought, the way she wrote, the way she reacted and even a large majority of her experiences were me! Are me! I could not believe I found this gem. Rachel put into words a lot of the things I feel and think but push back down before vomiting it all up in words because of shame, fear and worry. I dog-eared some of the pages with things that just hit so close to home and now I would like to share some of it because it really helps me understand how I am feeling even though it may be so obvious for others. And if not, maybe this will help you get a deeper sense of me and what I am feeling.
So my favorite (and oh-so-FITTING) quotes (and there were a lot trust me... I just picked out a select few) were:
p. 110 "It's become quite clear that I am not attracted to men who have any sort of potential for a relationship. I've found something wrong with all of the men who are interested in me and live within 5 miles. However, get me near someone who isn't interested, is vaguely interested, or is interested but who lives in another state, and I'll voluntarily rip my heart out of my chest and set it on the ground to be stomped on".
p. 135 "I have a fleeting moment of clarity when I see that I'm terrified of getting involved with someone who disappoints me or leaves me empty and alone. I'm terrified of rejection, so I set my expectations so high that they can never be met, and I dig around with a magnifying glass looking for flaws in every person I date. There's always a flaw to exploit, and I'll find it so I never have to get too close".
p. 137 "To thwart any possible sex, I'd gone in prepared. This meant I actually planned for a night of sex, because everyone knows that shaved legs and lacy underwear guarantee no hookup. However, my theory is if I go in with full-coverage cotton underwear that comes in three-packs and with a five-day growth on my legs, it's altogether possible I could end up dancing around a pole".
p. 170 "Changing geography doesn't change anything, because you are still the same person with the same problems and same neuroses".
p. 226 "I don't care what anyone says about how age is just a number. It's also a marker of where you are in your life and what you've learned from past experiences, which make up who you are".
p. 229 "And if I'm so cool, why doesn't he want to date me?"
p. 243 "Of course, if I did meet someone, I would be writing that it was the most amazing thing in the world and I'd turn into one of those people who pats the hands of singletons and says, "It'll happen for you one day".
p. 11 "And as bitter as I can be at times, I firmly believe that if it's meant to work out, it will".
Happy Hump Day Everyone.
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