Since I have become a bitter, self-proclaimed independent snob I have found that ditching dating has actually made my life worse. Yeah, I know, I can't believe it myself. Not only was my life more entertaining while just meeting people, but I actually had stories to tell and cool things to do with someone, whether they were boyfriend material or otherwise.
I had decided to put dating on hold for some time now, but every once in a great while someone sometimes snuck in to steal me away for an evening, but with the bitterness gently placed into my purse before walking out the door, I found that I could not enjoy the overflowing wine and great dinner or winning game of miniature golf for the life of me. I was a downright be-yotch. Not who I am... at least not all the time.
So I have had to re-evaluate my life. Due to certain events I have found that I have some major things to work on. I am probably the only person I know that can so easily push people ... a LOT of people... out of my life in one city without so much as a single move to a new location. This cannot be right. Sometimes I think my independence is a blessing, but I think it more often just gets the best of me and the next thing I know my cat, Oscar, and I are having the most meaningful conversation I have had in a month.
So, with the help of my therapist 't', I am going to revamp this pathetic life of mine and finally make a true blue effort to be the girl that I know I am. Smart, beautiful (or something along those lines), funny and a damn good find for a man who is actually WORTH IT. Will it be hard? Hell yeah. It will be like me trying to give up my candy addiction (it lasted two days). So I have my strategic planning in place on how to do this. We don't need to go into those exact details, but what they do entail is getting my healthy eating back in order, getting a routine back down, no longer bitching and moaning about stupid crap (okay... I am allowing myself some bitching and down time because 't' says it is still good for me), and more importantly... I am going to start dating again.
I am scared to death as much as I am happy to make this decision. Except this time I am going to try very very hard to swallow the pain and hurt of my past and see every man for the individual that he is. I am going to accept him for who he IS and not who I think he is or what he could be like and most importantly, I am going to be honest with myself. No more settling or kissing their ass because I am scared of them leaving me. This time it is about me. This time it is about finding someone who will fit into MY life and add to MY life while I get to also add to theirs in a positive, non-controlling, non-judgemental, non-stubborn, non-paranoid, non-mistrusting way.
Yeah. It's going to be hard.
I will still be me (opinions and all) and I will still have my really bad days because that is just who I am, but letting the dickheads of my past ruin my future only makes me the Biggest Loser and not in the cool 'hey! I lost weight and now freaking rock' kind of way.
After my divorce, as hard as it was, I liked the girl I was. The strong one doing what she thought best at the time. Confident that there was something more suitable for her. Time to get back to that. So lucky for all of you... I think the dating story sagas are about to continue!
Wish me luck and be my support because God knows I am going to need it!!!
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