I have just been told by a viable critic that my blogs now suck.
I couldn't agree more. After my facebook account is gone, my blog will be next!!
Sorry to have let my followers down :-(. Life sucks and sometimes you can't and don't really want to push through anymore because you lose sight of the point.
My sincere apologies.
~T
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
It never fails.
Well, I gave the whole 'let's get T back into the dating world thing' a shot and my first date... Epic Fail.
Thank you 'Young and Restless' (as he shall now be named) for taking me ou... wait. I did not even get that. I got what I thought was a sweet evening in with wine (which turned out to be boxed wine mind you, but he is young and has yet to learn so I gave him a bit of a learning curve to go off of) and some blase (read blah-zay because apparently blogspot cannot edit for french terms) discussion. Whatever "he is cute and shy!" I say. Ha. Hahahaha. Dumbass. Yes, Yes I know. In 2011, this old girl has learned that 'shy and cute = player'. But I did not learn that until later.
So I invite him to come with me (for the first time ever for me!) as my date to the Fun on the Fox annual boat party. {Insert gasp here}. I know right. I think Y&R is thee... second guy I have introduced my family to since First Love. But my family had already met him once before (you know... friend of a friend kind of stuff) and they actually encouraged this encounte. This is huge. And total proof that I was setting aside all qualms about dating and expectations. I had none when it came to Y&R. OK... so maybe I had one and it followed along the lines of 'don't be an ass and just use me for a good time'. So what did I get? Oh, naturally ya'll, I got an ASS who wanted to USE ME for a GOOD TIME. So we had what I thought was a pretty fun and relaxing time on Saturday and then come Saturday night... all bets were off. He came in for the kill. He got far, not going to lie. I stated that I wasn't interested quite a few times (seriously... this was a situation I knew could not POSSIBLY end well), but players know how to play so ...he had been doing so well so far and what I had actually called a SWEETHEART so yeah, I gave in quite a bit.
Lo and behold the next day, I don't hear anything from him. Ok. No biggie. He's busy, right...? I always jump to conclusions, but not this time. Oh no. This time I am going to be a good girl and just wait for him to contact me because I am not crazy. Well, crazy kicks in at about 2pm Monday when I finally send the text "So is that IT?!" to which I get ONE response back.... "I am not looking for anything serious, maybe we can hang out sometime next week". Shot down like a damn rabied raccoon.
Mother-fucker. Son of a bitch. I KNEW it. So, needless to say, T is back to going solo because men FUCKING suck. I let my guard down. I tried not to jump to conclusions. I tried to just play, I tried not to judge the boxed wine. And look what it got me... not a damn thing. Not even dinner. Boo. Well, it was an experience that now has been added to my dating blog of woes and something I can learn from.
I learned: Don't date. Nothing ever changes. Walls up... walls down. It is still the same bullshit attached to a different masquerade face mask.
Yes, I hear all you blog readers "But that was just one time...! Try again, try again! He is out there!!" Oh... really????! Is THAT why all my other friends are single six months or less and BAM! along comes the person they are going to marry??... or get pregnant with...? Riiiiight.
Oh... and don't worry... I wouldn't DARE forget "T... stop looking and then it will just HAPPEN". Really?! Huh. Cause 1. I am pretty sure others seek AND find (even though they want to ACT like they weren't looking) and 2. It's not like I can just snap my little fingers and suddenly filter out my nights of lonely crying and dateless evenings and events. Because if I could... I would fucking be single forever! Live for myself! Carpe Diem!! But you see... this girl may be independent, but she also wants to be loved. A life alone, in MY eyes, is NOT a life worth living. For some of you... dream come true. Is that why you are in a relationship?!
It's like my diet. I decided to go on an all protein diet for 4 days. What we would call the 'Attack and drop 5 pounds and cravings phase". I made it until dinner and then it was like... carb load central. So now not only am I stuck with major gut pain for the evening, but also a lot of guilt. Because as much as I want to lose weight so I can attract a man and not be 15 lbs over my 'healthy' weight... the more I try to lose it and not THINK about it... the more I think about it and want to go on a killing rampage of all skinny bitches whose thighs don't touch like mine once didn't.
So go on... tell me AGAIN to 'not dwell on it'... and then run home to your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife and babie(s) and tell me how awesome it would be to be single. Who will you sleep with then?? Hmmm... HMMMM???
The grass is always greener right? Except one thing... I have been on the other side and I always knew that was the greener pasture. I did not want this, but I didn't want a green pasture spoiled by weeds either.
It's a bad night. Remember: my therapist said that it is ok to have 'bad nights'.
Too bad I am drain bed from lack of sleep and thought my appointment with her was today instead of tomorrow in which case I had to cancel now because God forbid I miss more pay.
Phooey.
So my conclussion: I will still move forward, hating men, but try not to think about it and eat my carbs because if I deny myself I will only want them more and then my ass won't even fit into the one pair of jeans that still make me feel slightly desirable... on a good night... when I skip dinner... and am not on the rag.
AMEN! HALLELUJAH!... HOLY SHIT......
:) Smile. God loves you, T.
Thank you 'Young and Restless' (as he shall now be named) for taking me ou... wait. I did not even get that. I got what I thought was a sweet evening in with wine (which turned out to be boxed wine mind you, but he is young and has yet to learn so I gave him a bit of a learning curve to go off of) and some blase (read blah-zay because apparently blogspot cannot edit for french terms) discussion. Whatever "he is cute and shy!" I say. Ha. Hahahaha. Dumbass. Yes, Yes I know. In 2011, this old girl has learned that 'shy and cute = player'. But I did not learn that until later.
So I invite him to come with me (for the first time ever for me!) as my date to the Fun on the Fox annual boat party. {Insert gasp here}. I know right. I think Y&R is thee... second guy I have introduced my family to since First Love. But my family had already met him once before (you know... friend of a friend kind of stuff) and they actually encouraged this encounte. This is huge. And total proof that I was setting aside all qualms about dating and expectations. I had none when it came to Y&R. OK... so maybe I had one and it followed along the lines of 'don't be an ass and just use me for a good time'. So what did I get? Oh, naturally ya'll, I got an ASS who wanted to USE ME for a GOOD TIME. So we had what I thought was a pretty fun and relaxing time on Saturday and then come Saturday night... all bets were off. He came in for the kill. He got far, not going to lie. I stated that I wasn't interested quite a few times (seriously... this was a situation I knew could not POSSIBLY end well), but players know how to play so ...he had been doing so well so far and what I had actually called a SWEETHEART so yeah, I gave in quite a bit.
Lo and behold the next day, I don't hear anything from him. Ok. No biggie. He's busy, right...? I always jump to conclusions, but not this time. Oh no. This time I am going to be a good girl and just wait for him to contact me because I am not crazy. Well, crazy kicks in at about 2pm Monday when I finally send the text "So is that IT?!" to which I get ONE response back.... "I am not looking for anything serious, maybe we can hang out sometime next week". Shot down like a damn rabied raccoon.
Mother-fucker. Son of a bitch. I KNEW it. So, needless to say, T is back to going solo because men FUCKING suck. I let my guard down. I tried not to jump to conclusions. I tried to just play, I tried not to judge the boxed wine. And look what it got me... not a damn thing. Not even dinner. Boo. Well, it was an experience that now has been added to my dating blog of woes and something I can learn from.
I learned: Don't date. Nothing ever changes. Walls up... walls down. It is still the same bullshit attached to a different masquerade face mask.
Yes, I hear all you blog readers "But that was just one time...! Try again, try again! He is out there!!" Oh... really????! Is THAT why all my other friends are single six months or less and BAM! along comes the person they are going to marry??... or get pregnant with...? Riiiiight.
Oh... and don't worry... I wouldn't DARE forget "T... stop looking and then it will just HAPPEN". Really?! Huh. Cause 1. I am pretty sure others seek AND find (even though they want to ACT like they weren't looking) and 2. It's not like I can just snap my little fingers and suddenly filter out my nights of lonely crying and dateless evenings and events. Because if I could... I would fucking be single forever! Live for myself! Carpe Diem!! But you see... this girl may be independent, but she also wants to be loved. A life alone, in MY eyes, is NOT a life worth living. For some of you... dream come true. Is that why you are in a relationship?!
It's like my diet. I decided to go on an all protein diet for 4 days. What we would call the 'Attack and drop 5 pounds and cravings phase". I made it until dinner and then it was like... carb load central. So now not only am I stuck with major gut pain for the evening, but also a lot of guilt. Because as much as I want to lose weight so I can attract a man and not be 15 lbs over my 'healthy' weight... the more I try to lose it and not THINK about it... the more I think about it and want to go on a killing rampage of all skinny bitches whose thighs don't touch like mine once didn't.
So go on... tell me AGAIN to 'not dwell on it'... and then run home to your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife and babie(s) and tell me how awesome it would be to be single. Who will you sleep with then?? Hmmm... HMMMM???
The grass is always greener right? Except one thing... I have been on the other side and I always knew that was the greener pasture. I did not want this, but I didn't want a green pasture spoiled by weeds either.
It's a bad night. Remember: my therapist said that it is ok to have 'bad nights'.
Too bad I am drain bed from lack of sleep and thought my appointment with her was today instead of tomorrow in which case I had to cancel now because God forbid I miss more pay.
Phooey.
So my conclussion: I will still move forward, hating men, but try not to think about it and eat my carbs because if I deny myself I will only want them more and then my ass won't even fit into the one pair of jeans that still make me feel slightly desirable... on a good night... when I skip dinner... and am not on the rag.
AMEN! HALLELUJAH!... HOLY SHIT......
:) Smile. God loves you, T.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Time to throw out the Bitter and just be Better
Since I have become a bitter, self-proclaimed independent snob I have found that ditching dating has actually made my life worse. Yeah, I know, I can't believe it myself. Not only was my life more entertaining while just meeting people, but I actually had stories to tell and cool things to do with someone, whether they were boyfriend material or otherwise.
I had decided to put dating on hold for some time now, but every once in a great while someone sometimes snuck in to steal me away for an evening, but with the bitterness gently placed into my purse before walking out the door, I found that I could not enjoy the overflowing wine and great dinner or winning game of miniature golf for the life of me. I was a downright be-yotch. Not who I am... at least not all the time.
So I have had to re-evaluate my life. Due to certain events I have found that I have some major things to work on. I am probably the only person I know that can so easily push people ... a LOT of people... out of my life in one city without so much as a single move to a new location. This cannot be right. Sometimes I think my independence is a blessing, but I think it more often just gets the best of me and the next thing I know my cat, Oscar, and I are having the most meaningful conversation I have had in a month.
So, with the help of my therapist 't', I am going to revamp this pathetic life of mine and finally make a true blue effort to be the girl that I know I am. Smart, beautiful (or something along those lines), funny and a damn good find for a man who is actually WORTH IT. Will it be hard? Hell yeah. It will be like me trying to give up my candy addiction (it lasted two days). So I have my strategic planning in place on how to do this. We don't need to go into those exact details, but what they do entail is getting my healthy eating back in order, getting a routine back down, no longer bitching and moaning about stupid crap (okay... I am allowing myself some bitching and down time because 't' says it is still good for me), and more importantly... I am going to start dating again.
I am scared to death as much as I am happy to make this decision. Except this time I am going to try very very hard to swallow the pain and hurt of my past and see every man for the individual that he is. I am going to accept him for who he IS and not who I think he is or what he could be like and most importantly, I am going to be honest with myself. No more settling or kissing their ass because I am scared of them leaving me. This time it is about me. This time it is about finding someone who will fit into MY life and add to MY life while I get to also add to theirs in a positive, non-controlling, non-judgemental, non-stubborn, non-paranoid, non-mistrusting way.
Yeah. It's going to be hard.
I will still be me (opinions and all) and I will still have my really bad days because that is just who I am, but letting the dickheads of my past ruin my future only makes me the Biggest Loser and not in the cool 'hey! I lost weight and now freaking rock' kind of way.
After my divorce, as hard as it was, I liked the girl I was. The strong one doing what she thought best at the time. Confident that there was something more suitable for her. Time to get back to that. So lucky for all of you... I think the dating story sagas are about to continue!
Wish me luck and be my support because God knows I am going to need it!!!
I had decided to put dating on hold for some time now, but every once in a great while someone sometimes snuck in to steal me away for an evening, but with the bitterness gently placed into my purse before walking out the door, I found that I could not enjoy the overflowing wine and great dinner or winning game of miniature golf for the life of me. I was a downright be-yotch. Not who I am... at least not all the time.
So I have had to re-evaluate my life. Due to certain events I have found that I have some major things to work on. I am probably the only person I know that can so easily push people ... a LOT of people... out of my life in one city without so much as a single move to a new location. This cannot be right. Sometimes I think my independence is a blessing, but I think it more often just gets the best of me and the next thing I know my cat, Oscar, and I are having the most meaningful conversation I have had in a month.
So, with the help of my therapist 't', I am going to revamp this pathetic life of mine and finally make a true blue effort to be the girl that I know I am. Smart, beautiful (or something along those lines), funny and a damn good find for a man who is actually WORTH IT. Will it be hard? Hell yeah. It will be like me trying to give up my candy addiction (it lasted two days). So I have my strategic planning in place on how to do this. We don't need to go into those exact details, but what they do entail is getting my healthy eating back in order, getting a routine back down, no longer bitching and moaning about stupid crap (okay... I am allowing myself some bitching and down time because 't' says it is still good for me), and more importantly... I am going to start dating again.
I am scared to death as much as I am happy to make this decision. Except this time I am going to try very very hard to swallow the pain and hurt of my past and see every man for the individual that he is. I am going to accept him for who he IS and not who I think he is or what he could be like and most importantly, I am going to be honest with myself. No more settling or kissing their ass because I am scared of them leaving me. This time it is about me. This time it is about finding someone who will fit into MY life and add to MY life while I get to also add to theirs in a positive, non-controlling, non-judgemental, non-stubborn, non-paranoid, non-mistrusting way.
Yeah. It's going to be hard.
I will still be me (opinions and all) and I will still have my really bad days because that is just who I am, but letting the dickheads of my past ruin my future only makes me the Biggest Loser and not in the cool 'hey! I lost weight and now freaking rock' kind of way.
After my divorce, as hard as it was, I liked the girl I was. The strong one doing what she thought best at the time. Confident that there was something more suitable for her. Time to get back to that. So lucky for all of you... I think the dating story sagas are about to continue!
Wish me luck and be my support because God knows I am going to need it!!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
FML
Just recently I saw my therapist (yes, I have a therapist) and we had discussed the need for me to be in 'closer' contact with her, but without the cost of more medical bills (we had just discussed the whopper $4500 bill I had just received in the mail). So she came up with this idea of e-mailing in between sessions every other week. Great idea!
So today I remembered something we had discussed in regards to Family Medical Leave so I sent her an e-mail about this with the topic in the subject line as: FML.
Now until she responded back (and did not mention my FML topic in the subject line mind you) did I notice the subject being "FML". Bahahaha... turns out it has gotten that bad that I now inadvertantly make sure people know I currently am dissastified with me life ;)
I thought it was cute. I can imagine her first reaction "Uh oh... this is NOT going to be a good e-mail..."
Luckily she took it in stride and continues to cheer me on to a happier mental state where "FML" won't consciously or unconciously sneak its way into the subject line of my life.
So today I remembered something we had discussed in regards to Family Medical Leave so I sent her an e-mail about this with the topic in the subject line as: FML.
Now until she responded back (and did not mention my FML topic in the subject line mind you) did I notice the subject being "FML". Bahahaha... turns out it has gotten that bad that I now inadvertantly make sure people know I currently am dissastified with me life ;)
I thought it was cute. I can imagine her first reaction "Uh oh... this is NOT going to be a good e-mail..."
Luckily she took it in stride and continues to cheer me on to a happier mental state where "FML" won't consciously or unconciously sneak its way into the subject line of my life.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Just for Fun
- When was the last time you tried something new? Last night, I wore a low cut top with spaghetti straps without a cardigan
- Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? Everyone, especially skinny girls
- What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say? What's meant to be will be. Que sera, sera
- What gets you excited about life? Travel (big scale), Alcohol (small scale)
- What life lesson did you learn the hard way? If you just aren't that into the person in all areas important to you, don't waste your time and/or marry them
- What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago? Meeting people
- Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know? Oh, definitely questions
- Who do you love and what are you doing about it? Someone special; nothing, you can't make someone love you back
- What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? I will never have children
- What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago? Join Crew
- Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength? Weakness
- What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing. I do what I want regardless of whether I will be judged or not (trust me... I tried very hard to thinking of something!)
- Do you celebrate the things you do have? No
- What is the difference between living and existing? Living means you want to be alive; existing means you wish you were dead
- If not now, then when? Someday
- Have you done anything lately worth remembering? Went to New York
- What does your joy look like today? My couch
- Is it possible to lie without saying a word? Yes
- If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend? 2 minutes
- Which activities make you lose track of time? Reading, bedroom forays
- If you had to teach something, what would you teach? Swimming lessons
- What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? Not having a child
- Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of? Absolutely
- When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most? Whether or not I lived a life I am proud of
- When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right? Right Now
- How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 1
- Would you break the law to save a loved one? Possibly
- What makes you smile? A good romantic comedy
- When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Lately, yes
- If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? I am not crazy, I am strong-willed and straight-forward
- If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would forget the idea of ever owning my own place, getting married or having children and just travel and live on limited means
- What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human? The ability to read
- If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose? It's called a break-up because it's broken
- Would you rather have less work or more work you actually enjoy doing? Less work (more free time to do the things I enjoy doing)
- What is important enough to go to war over? Freedom
- Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying
- When was the last time you listened to the sound of your own breathing? A month and a half ago
- What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Demand respect even if I end up looking 'crazy'
- What does ‘The American Dream’ mean to you? Having money; lots of money
- Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? No contest! Joyful simpleton
- If you could instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby’s mind, what advice would you give? Life is what you make it; so make it good
- What is the most desirable trait another person can possess? Humor
- What are you most grateful for? My family
- Is stealing to feed a starving child wrong? No
- What do you want most? Acceptance (in so many ways)
- Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things
- What has life taught you recently? Things never get better so suck it up and fuc*ing smile
- What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world? Arrogance
- Where do you find inspiration? Everywhere I can
- Can you describe your life in a six word sentence? One big unpredicatable and frustrating mess
Thursday, July 7, 2011
"I thought of you after reading this. LOL"
So not all too long ago I went on a date with someone I met online (a date which I wasn't really into going on, but you all know me...) I figured 'what the hell is there to lose', but then I realized after he sent me this e-mail today (even though we haven't talked in quite some time) that what I had to lose was my precious time and effort. He recommended that I post this on my blog. So... I am going to do so! (and then, of course, I will come back with my rebuttal tee hee!)
A Love Story:
Once upon a time, an Army Aviator named Ron asked a beautiful Princess "Will
you marry me?
The Princess said NO!
...and the Aviator lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, did a lot
of flying, got good promotions and duty stations and screwed skinny
big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to titty
bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum ,
did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never got bitched at, and never paid
child support or alimony, never changed a diaper in his life and chased
cheerleaders, movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never
got cheated on while he was at work or on deployment and all his friends and
family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the
bank
...and he left the toilet seat up.
The end
So, apparently, this guy thought I was a princess. How sweet! But I am sorry to hear that he felt a princess would make time to meet him out at 9:30pm at night in her work clothes because she hasn't even had a chance to go home yet, but thought it would be polite to stay awake a little longer that night to hear him out and meet him. I am also sad to hear that instead of preferring a beautiful woman who is educated and takes care of herself while being extremely loyal and attentive (because she is a "princess") he would rather have numerous skanks of all walks in life (cheerleaders and movie stars were his choice he stated). It's sad that whiskey is the source he would rather go to at night to mend his sorrows from a bad day instead of the warm arms of a caring woman who made him dinner and brought him a cold beer to cheer him up.
And all so he could leave the toilet seat up.
You are right, I am a princess because I know what I want and it is not you! You are no prince, you could never match up to this.
So...
Dear Princess Hater,
Sorry I did not want to date you. Move on and do not send me bullshit e-mails because all you did was make yourself look like a lonely, drunken, disease-ridden pedophile.
Sincerely,
Princess T <3
A Love Story:
Once upon a time, an Army Aviator named Ron asked a beautiful Princess "Will
you marry me?
The Princess said NO!
...and the Aviator lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, did a lot
of flying, got good promotions and duty stations and screwed skinny
big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to titty
bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum ,
did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never got bitched at, and never paid
child support or alimony, never changed a diaper in his life and chased
cheerleaders, movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never
got cheated on while he was at work or on deployment and all his friends and
family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the
bank
...and he left the toilet seat up.
The end
So, apparently, this guy thought I was a princess. How sweet! But I am sorry to hear that he felt a princess would make time to meet him out at 9:30pm at night in her work clothes because she hasn't even had a chance to go home yet, but thought it would be polite to stay awake a little longer that night to hear him out and meet him. I am also sad to hear that instead of preferring a beautiful woman who is educated and takes care of herself while being extremely loyal and attentive (because she is a "princess") he would rather have numerous skanks of all walks in life (cheerleaders and movie stars were his choice he stated). It's sad that whiskey is the source he would rather go to at night to mend his sorrows from a bad day instead of the warm arms of a caring woman who made him dinner and brought him a cold beer to cheer him up.
And all so he could leave the toilet seat up.
You are right, I am a princess because I know what I want and it is not you! You are no prince, you could never match up to this.
So...
Dear Princess Hater,
Sorry I did not want to date you. Move on and do not send me bullshit e-mails because all you did was make yourself look like a lonely, drunken, disease-ridden pedophile.
Sincerely,
Princess T <3
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