I won't even go into it. You can only imagine how different the reality is from the vision I had. There is good and bad. But the filler... the life that actually took place in those years... I can honestly say just is not even close. The only thing I could have GUESSED to be true today still is that I would be living in Wisconsin. And that is truly about it.
Wow... 2012.
Everything is good thus far. A new year with new resolutions. Everyone does it right? And what are mine? Well.. this year it isn't to get in awesome shape (that's always on my mind). Or to lose weight (that's always on my mind too). Or to save money (again... that's a constant thought). It's to drop some bad habits. Men. Men are my bad habits. To get rid of those in which I cling to and those in which I know are no longer good for me. Those they although I do get a little smile on my face and a jump in my heart when I see a text from them... I also get a kick in my gut and a bit of a tension headache thinking of what that text is going to cause me later. For they are texting me because they miss me. They are texting me because they want something. Sometimes it is company for the night. Sometimes it is a reminder that they are still around... but not single... Sometimes it is just to make me feel bad because... they think I deserve it?? I don't know. But it has to stop. If I am ever to move forward... to feel good about myself... to ditch all the bad karma... I need to let these losers go and be happy for them so that I can be happy for myself.
And it has begun. Two people that I have cared for... I have finally said my good-byes. My 'please don't contact me anymore's. Sure, I am going to miss them like mad, but I will never move forward if they keep me in check.
I have a few other resolutions I need to work on too, but let's just do one at a time, huh? :)
I did change up my bedroom a little bit. Finally getting rid of stuff I have dragged around with me from my house that I was married in.. or from my apartment that I shared with First Love. Time to let those things go to. They remind me to much of the past. Time for something new and fresh. Time for something ME!
I guess you can't really read that but it says "Live for today and make it so beautiful that it's worth remembering".
And I bought some new awesome lamps and made my room gray and purple and I have flowers in it instead of brown and reds. No more boy colors.
And in starting my NEW YEAR I also wanted to share this because my depression has been doing really well. Since the middle of 2011 it has truly been an a DOWNHILL battle for me, but I still have some bad days. But this is written from the bloggess just the other day. And I want to thank her for her amazing writing ability... especially when it comes to depression because she is right. Those with depression... we never get to celebrate when we go into remission and when we overcome it for awhile because there is a stigma attached to it. Most never knew we had it. It's not something you share. It's not something you shout out to your co-workers like 'Hey! I got out of bed today without crying first!!'. And then everyone hugs you and is so happy for you. Instead it's like... 'Ooooh... that poor girl...'. So thank you Bloggess for this:
"When cancer sufferers fight, recover, and go into remission we laud their bravery. We call them survivors. Because they are.
When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t. We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.
When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.
Regardless, today I feel proud. I survived. And I celebrate every one of you reading this. I celebrate the fact that you’ve fought your battle and continue to win. I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again. I celebrate the fact that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger. We learn new tricks on the battlefield. We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them. We don’t struggle in vain.
We win.
We are alive."
http://thebloggess.com/
So that's my spiel for today.
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